14 DAY TRIAL // "Winter, a cottage room somewhere high, snow, moderate temperature", I say. "You cannot start like this, when it's cold there are no flies, if you want me in the story you have to make it warmer. If not, just leave me alone, cause it's not plausible like this", she says. "But I need you, without you there is no story, and I need it to be winter, for the colors and the feeling of laziness, without this there is no story", I say. "Then write two stories, one about me and one about winter", she says. "But it's only a story, with you and the winter, "Winter, a cottage room somewhere high, snow, moderate temperature", see at least I said "moderate temperature", "a fly sits on the window?being both kinda bored, we start talking", I say. "Being bored, ha?! Just drop it, winter and boredom, I don't want to take part in this, nobody is going to believe that you talked like this to a fly, anyway", she says. "Well, leave then, I don't care"? noticing that she is in the mood to talk I ask her:
If you knew that tomorrow you're going to die, what would you do? Aaaaaaaa, that's not fair, what do you mean tomorrow? What would I do? Well, I have a lot of things to do and I don't have time till tomorrow. Can't we postpone a little bit? Does it have to be tomorrow?
What do you think you have to do, then? Oh, I don't really know, but I am certain I don't have enough time...I think I would probably first try to find out why I am supposed to die and how, and try to prevent it, I would invest all the little time left and all the energy in this and in the end I would probably realize there's nothing left to do and I had better done something different during all that time?yeah, it's sad, but that's what I usually do, no, I don't think it's possible to do otherwise?
And what if you had to change to survive? If I acted as if it didn't bother me at all that I was gonna die, then the prize would be that I am left alive? What kind of sick game is this, anyway? Of course if I knew all this from the beginning, it would mean something, but you never know, and you panic, you don't have the guts to let yourself go, because we all want to survive, I suppose, so then we get scared and start moving really fast our hands and legs and it seams this makes us sink even more?it's as if this very instinct of preservation kills you, and preservation is a good word, cause nobody really wants to change, "nothing is lost, nothing is gained, all is preserved", or something. It appears that we die precisely because we don't want to change and think that "preservation will make us survive". And this is how we kill our dispositions, when we panic and start struggling we betray them, and us. It's like when you start being scared of exploding because of too much happiness and think about your disposition too much, until you've killed it and a part of you with it, probably.
By the way, what do you think is, let's say, the relationship between love and death? What the hell is this, Philosophy class for losers? What a snob!
You started with "?you think about your disposition too much, until you've killed it and a part of you with it, probably". So shut up! But answer my question, though. I don't know, I suppose love is a disposition like the others and when it makes us extremely happy we get scared of loosing it and try to hang on to it until we sink with it held tight in our arms. It dies, we survive partially and after a while we venture to die a little again in this manner, to avoid dying of boredom. Are you planning on asking a lot of stupid questions like this? I'm kinda bored, I'd like to go, for example, and fall in love.
What do you think you want to do with your life? Oh, I don't know that?it's complicated, now I feel like in that play "Children of a smaller God". The small God was out of materials to do the World, cause God had taken everything, almost, so he left something missing in each person, and I think I'm one of the "children of the small God". And since I've been feeling like this it's been a lot better, I get along better with the others, cause I always think they might be from this same play, if they have something missing, it's not really their fault.
?and how about the fly? The fly knows better herself, who am I to speak in her name? I can give her a part in my film, if she wants, she can live in my head, but she won't be he same, she will be a character in my head, an actress. What she wants I can guess from what she occasionally says, but who she is and what will happen to her I cannot know, she is somebody else. And me? Of, I don't even know all that about myself, I am just certain I am not somebody else?and it's really awful to have certainties like that. People that offer certainties are the most boring, and among them I am definitely the most boring for me, because I can never leave myself, that's why I look for people that can?Oh, sure I will leave myself, maybe, when I die, but that's a long time, I think. I don't really manage to loose myself usually, it just happens in those rare moments of happiness?but then I get scared, as if I was gonna die, and I start struggling?but we've already talked about that?", I say.
"Well, I'm leaving, you can't even really understand who the fly is in this story, I'm flying, unfortunately, you can't do that, bye, bye", she says. "Bye, bye", I say.
Photo 2,3 credits: Andrei Deacu
