14 DAY TRIAL // I don't know when you last visited the Arctic, but I've been there recently and I have to tell you, things are not what they used to be. Polar bears now have a union, and they are also surprisingly opinionated.
While exploring the Arctic, I had the chance to meet Mr. Fiercepredator, the president of the Polar Bears' Union, and he was cool enough to sit for an interview with me.
Truth be told, it seemed to me that I was the one doing him a favor, seeing how eager to set the record straight on climate change and global warming he appeared to be.
Still, I'm glad I had the chance to chat with him, so, without further ado, here is what I wanted to know and what he had to tell me:
Softpedia: First off, I have to ask: why on Earth do you want to talk about climate change and global warming with the press? Shouldn't you be too busy hunting seals to have time for interviews and the like?
Mr. Fiercepredator: Well, the truth is that, now with the melting of the Arctic, there's been a lot of talk about these two phenomena among us polar bears, and I hear that you humans are also quite interested in global warming, climate change and their effects.
We've been watching you badmouthing these phenomena on TV, and members of the Union pretty much begged me to find a reporter and make sure you two-legged hairless folks know what us polar bears really think about climate change and global warming, since we don't really share your opinion on the topic.
Softpedia: What do you mean? So you don't think climate change and global warming are bad? You don't want them stopped?
Mr. Fiercepredator: Not at all, my dear. I and my buddies in the Polar Bears Union actually think that you humans did great triggering these phenomena and then fueling them. Now that the Arctic is changing, we finally get to do all sorts of things that we haven't been able to do in the past.
Softpedia: What you're telling me is quite surprising. Would you mind elaborating a bit? I'm not sure I know what you mean when you say global warming and climate chance are good. Mr. Fiercepredator: Well, to begin with, we've been thinking about remodeling our home in the Arctic for quite a while now. The trouble is that it's fairly difficult to get contractors to travel all the way here, and those who are willing to do so want a lot of money.
But now that the Arctic is beginning to melt away, our home is changing and the best thing about it is that it is doing so without our having to pay anybody to rearrange it. It's actually quite great.
Softpedia: But what about food? Don't you worry that, as the sea ice is melting, you'll have a difficult time finding seals to feast on? Mr. Fiercepredator: Actually, we are not worried about this the slightest. We're thinking that, since they are planning to drop by and exploit the Arctic, our friends over at BigOilandGasCompanies will also set up a few McDonald's restaurants or the like.
Lord knows us polar bears don't really excel when it comes to cooking, so it would be great to have somebody cook our hamburgers for us.
Softpedia: Still, it will probably be a while until you get fast food around here. What will you do until this happens? You know, there are some folks in this world saying that you are already struggling to find food and quite a lot of you are losing weight because of it.
Mr. Fiercepredator: Truth be told, dear, and I sure hope that this is going to stay just between you and me, there are some members of the Polar Bears Union who could use a crash diet. True, we have to be a tad curvy to survive in these harsh conditions, but it seems to me that some are just too plump.
Don't get me wrong, I am not criticizing them. I just think that, if global warming and climate change will make it a tad more difficult for them to find food and consequently cause them to drop a few pounds, this won't be such a bad thing.
You know how they say that being too plump causes all sorts of health problems, and I don't want any of my friends to end up in a hospital because of eating one too many seals. More so since neither of us has health insurance.
Softpedia: Well, this has been most enlightening. I had no idea you polar bears actually approve of climate change and global warming. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to head back home. Fear not, I'll let people know all about your thoughts on the topic. Mr. Fiercepredator: Sure, I have to get back to work too. Thanks for giving me the chance to educate people about what the Polar Bears Union thinks about climate change and global warming.
Softpedia: Good-bye now.
Mr. Fiercepredator: Farewell.
Note: Truth be told, I did not actually go to the Arctic and sit for an interview with the President of the Polar Bears Union. I just wanted to raise some awareness about the threats these animals are facing in a more entertaining way. The fact is that polar bears have it pretty bad these days, and odds they will have it worse in the near future.