14 DAY TRIAL // Satya Nadella is officially Microsoft’s new CEO, so he’ll have to make some pretty tough decisions for the Redmond-based software giant in order to continue its adventure to long-term profitability.
And still, if he ever needs some advice, Nadella could talk to not only Bill Gates, but also Conan O’Brien, who himself admitted that he would have been a much better choice for the company.
“You’ll do a great job, Satya. It is my informed opinion that you were the right second choice. The right first choice, of course, being the current host of CONAN on TBS,” O’Brien explained.
“Sure, the Microsoft board never technically asked me to be their CEO. I did, however, get a tweet from Bill Gates once. So, you do the math. That is why I was proactive, as business visionaries often are, and sent a very nice ‘thanks, but no thanks’ note with an Edible Arrangement to their Redmond, Washington campus,” he continued.
Conan O’Brien then went on to disclose some of the changes he would make to the Redmond software empire as a Microsoft CEO:
“Turning Microsoft back into an industry titan like Wang or Commodore would have required a simple three point action-plan: 1. Zune 2. More Zune 3. Even More Zune. I would have spent hundreds of millions of dollars on a marketing campaign to get everyone in America to ‘Bing their symptoms’ after that weekend trip to Juarez,” he wrote.
“The Surface tablet would have come with new peripheral device I called ‘Tiny Windshield Wipers.’ Every single version of the Windows operating system would have been voiced by Scarlett Johansson. Excel 2014 would have built-in Instagram filters.”
Fortunately for Microsoft, Bill Gates is always there for those who need some advice on new products, but in case Nadella runs out of ideas, Conan O’Brien seems to be willing to help.