Wife and Mother-in-Law Are Programmed Not to Like Each Other

It never occurred to me to 'compete' with my MiL, however, she begrudged even sharing the surname. She spent 3 decades doing her utmost to be as obnoxious as possible, telling lies about me, being rude and divisive, so much so her own daughter asked me how did I stay so calm around her mum when she was being so vile to me!
My Mil has now driven all the family away from her, all of her own doing. I could have been a friend, but I prefer to keep a safe distance from her these days.
I am a Mil myself now and get on well with my son in law. I want to maintain a good, loving relationship with my family

I used to have a great relationship with my MIL, until she decided she didn't like our 2nd child while I was pregnant. She thought her other granddaughter need the sibling more than our daughter, it wasn't planned but she is not right. She now treats our little girl different from the rest, ignoring her when her out of town grandchildren are over at her house. Recently, she has taken to giving me an attitude when ever we go over to her house. I've just decided to stay away from her as much as possible. Well today she comes over to see the girls and asks to come in so I open the door for her and she pops off with the attitude again and storms off toward her truck. I give up if she ever wants me to bring the girls over again she will have to apologize. There is no pleasing the lady, I honestly do not she how my FIL puts up with her!

SHOULD work together? That's it? That's this Dr Apters answer and solution?

I would think 20 years of research would bring 20 years of solutions! It takes 2 people to make Dr Apters 'idea' work!

Well Dr Apter, I've lived almost 20 years of life directly in the path of terroristic style attacks against my character, my parenting, all that I do. I have been gracious and kind and when truly needed, firm in setting boundaries. There is nothing that I have not attempted including seeking out advice and counseling on about 7 different occasions.

Without all the gory details or gut-wrenching attacks that she dished out and I was the receiver (truly never the attacker)... and someone so incredibly damaging (the MIL) who has the desire to create harm and inflict pain and 'enjoy' when her own son is hurt or arguing with me. I have the solution and it works and has for a long time now!!

I AM the primary woman. The WIFE is the primary person. It is that way in life, in nature and the bible and the quran!

The role of the husband is with the wife, not the mother. Period. There is no getting around this. Once my husband 'released' me from the 'job' of deflecting attacks and chaos and drama, our marriage became very healthy.

His role is to protect me. The circle is around his wife. Not anyone else. The promise made to me, to love honor & cherish. There is NO 3rd party allowed in our lives, not his mother, not ex-girlfriends, no one! The primary woman is the wife!

Once he stepped up to the plate and handled all the attacks coming my way, called his mom on her clearly destructive ways and set up boundaries that he sticks to and follows through with, only then has peace (AND HAPPINESS) been achieved.

It isn't about attacking her back nor 'winning' nor revenge at all. His place and home is with me.

This very article starts out with them (The spouse and husband) going to supper to HIS house. NO ... HIS house is with his wife. What a thing to say.. HIS house?? They were going to the MIL's home.

There are no more attacks against my character, there are no more lies and drama to 'get' his attention, none of her negative hurtful strategies work anymore!! The boundaries are clear and when not followed, the consequences are clear and carried through. In that, she has learned to zip it, respect us and be a positive role in the family and in turn she's told how much she is appreciated and needed. (within the boundary limits).

So Dr Apter it seems your book only goes so far and defends both the daughter in law and mother in law. As if that will make more sales for you I suppose. But your book offers very little by way of true solutions and TRUE examples of happy families and HOW to make this work.

Until everyone realizes this is the way life intends, the husband's life is with his spouse and no one can enter that circle and his role is a protector of any harm or hurt as much as possible, then there can be peace achieved.

Until then, it will be a 'battle' generally started and continued by the MIL, not the 'new' person entering the family. The MIL is the one with the upper hand because she knows how to twist her children to obey or bend to HER needs. I was blindsided fast and hard as soon as she met me and the patterns and roles established quickly. "There would be pain and a price to pay if I went 'against' her"!! That included her son! So we suffered through, seeking every way to reason with her, explain some things she's done are very hurtful, to bite our tongue. All in all, she 'got away' with being horrific to me and sometimes the SMILE on her face when she saw a disagreement between my husband and I make me sick to my stomach. It was like she 'achieved success'.

We even tape recorded many conversations and had the counselor listen in. The counselor , with 30 years experience was shocked and asked WHY we would allow someone to ABUSE me, the wife, so terribly? No other human being would get away with this!!

It took 20 years to recover and be healthy and have a fabulous marriage.

The answer / solution was with my husband. When he was the one that laid out the rules and boundaries and followed through with them, it released me of severe stress, anxiety, worry and heartache. No longer was the burden on me to find ways to 'deflect', it was finally how it should be.

The mother in law's role is NOT primary with her son. His family is his wife and children.

I am so disappointed in Dr Apters book, because without solution and making someone accountable and obey the boundaries, a calm mutual understanding will never take place.

"I AM the primary woman. The WIFE is the primary person. It is that way in life, in nature and the bible and the quran!"

FeelingGREAT, has it ever occurred to you that you might be selfish and you want to alienate your husband from his mother? His mother raised your husband and is a primary part of his life and will be forever. I am afraid you really did not understand the point of Dr Apter. Just because your mother-in-law is a difficult person, that does not change the fact that ideally wife and mother-in-law should and can have a good relationship, if both of them work on it. Looks like in your case neither of you have. What did you expect then?