Why Break-Ups Turn You Upside Down

The vast majority of people who have just ended a relationship experience a surprising feeling, which is most often expressed under the terms “I don't know who I am anymore.” According to a recent scientific investigation, they may be spot-on with this statement. Researchers suggest that longer-term relationships may have a much more significant influence on us than we would like to accept, or become aware of. When the couple falls apart, the effects of that influence linger on, LiveScience reports.

“We know that relationships change the way we think about ourselves. When a relationship ends, that sense of self ends,” explains the root of the problem Erica Slotter. She is a Northwestern University PhD candidate, and also the lead author of the new investigation. Details of her work appear in the February issue of the respected scientific journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. One of the main reasons why our perception of self changes is the fact that we tend to share friends, hobbies and our free time with out partners, and also engage in discussions of the future.

According to the paper, the more two members of a couple spend together the more likely they are to leave aside their individual differences, and see themselves as part of a whole. While this is exceptionally beautiful as long as the relationship lasts, it becomes enormously difficult to deal with afterwards. “There's some overlap between my self and my partner's self, they say. [When people separate] all those pieces that they shared are not meaningful anymore, because the relationship is defunct,” the PhD student says. The authors additionally write that the feeling of not having the other half of the common self to tell you who you are is the main reasons why break-ups change you.

In a series of experiments the researchers conducted on graduate students, they learned that all of the participants were very likely to have changed their habits, hobbies, plans for the future, social circles, and in some instances even values, after experiencing a breakup. The changes were not massive, but they were significant. Some were also more likely to change some aspects of their appearance after the separation. A number of psychologists say that this is part of the process through which the self is redefined. “Romantic relationships can provide some of the richest emotional rewards of adulthood, but they can also leave us achingly vulnerable,” the authors conclude.