When Your Nipples Hurt, Borrow Your Girlfriend's Bra

Everyone, rejoice! Pete Doherty is back, and he's back with a vengeance. I mean, really, didn't you miss this wreck of a man? I sure did. I mean, I used to think he was pretty touched in the head - and part of me still holds firm to that belief - but when put next to the Britney circus that's been holding a show every day for the general entertainment of the masses, I think that he's starting to look slightly more normal. The fact that he's trying harder than ever - or so they claim - to kick his drug habit may be helping, too. I mean, at first it was just impossible to imagine Douchebag Doherty without his crack-head face, dilated pupils and vacant smile. But in the end, all things change, and rather than a dead Doherty I guess I could learn to love (I Kid, I Kid) a guy who's mildly clean.

Trouble is, when you spend most of your adult life hooked on drugs, high on coke 90% of the time, it sort of creates a rift between you and the real world, and it's getting hard to bridge the gap later on. It seems that Doherty has an addictive personality though, and if it ain't drugs it's food and if it ain't food it's running. Yeah, you heard me - and no, it's not running from the cops with a crack pipe and a load of coke in your pockets, but running as in running a marathon - this year's Flora London Marathon, to be more precise. I know, it does sound strange - or maybe he's weaning off the hard stuff and starting on steroids - but the fact is, it's happening. "He's doing so well. He's really serious about kicking drugs and this is really testing his will power and giving him a goal" says a friend of the rocker.

Well, it's all sugar, spice and everything nice up to this point - but it gets a little... ahem, weird from here on. It seems that running is doing so much harm to Doherty's nipples, that he resorted to desperate measures in order to avoid making his manly chest (kidding) even more sore. And what he came up with is just about the most brilliant idea I heard in years. "All that is putting him off are his amazingly sore nipples, but Portia's underwear is really helping" said his friend. Um... I'm sure there would be a lot to say about a guy who's borrowing his girlfriend's padded bra, and if this were any other guy I'd probably be dealing with those things... extensively... but since it's Doherty I'll just say anything is possible with this guy - and leave it at that. I can totally see him strolling round the house naked, trying on different colored bras. Oh, man... now why did I have to think of that?