Accepting the fact that it could never be perfect

Jun 2, 2007 08:28 GMT  ·  By

There's no such thing as perfect relationship.

That's why experts say that the key to a happy relationship could be the acceptance of the fact that some miserable times are unavoidable. If these problems are accepted, this could do more good for a relationship than striving for perfection, explained therapists Dr Diane Gehart from California State University, Northridge and Dr Eric McCollum from Virginia Tech.

The researchers accuse cultural patterns and modern love stories for focussing on the myth that the perfect relationship is possible. "It is a myth that, with enough effort we can achieve a state without suffering."

Healthcare professionals are not making the situation easier. "The field of mental health perpetuates this myth with the very concept of "mental health," which implies a state without suffering. This is an unrealistic aim in relationships, and striving to achieve it can lead people to feel they have failed."

"The authors are right to point out that the pursuit of relationship nirvana can be potentially damaging." said Jan Parker of the Association of Family Therapy. "It is important to explore what people mean by a happy and healthy relationship, because nobody's life or relationship can be in a permanent state of happiness - there will always be more difficult times. Couples need to build strengths, such as understanding, in their relationships to help them cope in these hard times and appreciate the good times," she said.

Mrs Nadine Field, a consultant psychologist, explained that striving for perfection in a relationship can lead to bitter disappointment. "This disappointment could then cause people to focus on the negative aspects of a relationship, and lead to more disappointment and resentment. People need to try to understand their partners through communication, rather than demanding perfection of them", she said.

The authors support the employment of mindfulness, a Buddhist meditation technique already used by some psychiatrists, to help overcome family suffering. Mindfulness asks individuals to focus on their present thoughts and actions.

The authors also say that "Family therapists can integrate the principles into their work to help patients change the way they relate to the forms of suffering that can occur in intimate relationships, such as abuse, divorce, rejection, and loss."