Weekend Reading: The Six Game Heroines You Love, but Would Hate in Real Life

These girls are sexy, they’re hot and they have an instant drooling effect on any human male, level 15-80, who is watching them. These are the same girls who made you love them the way only a game-geek can love: truly, madly, deeply. However, they have one big flaw: they are game characters. They are not real, they are just a bunch of sexy pixels hugging each other, with only one goal in mind: to be perfect. And, boy, they’re really successful on that matter!

And now, let’s face it: we know they’re as real as Jack Thompson’s love for video games or GTA: Vice City’s multiplayer mode, but it crossed our minds a few times already that it would’ve been the coolest thing on Earth if they had been made of flesh and blood. Hell, let’s be honest to the end: we would’ve loved it if these girls had been ours and only ours, so help us God!

However, there is still one problem nobody has ever thought about: if these beautiful game characters got a real life tomorrow, would they really be the perfect company for our poor, geeky souls? We’ve not-so-randomly picked six of the best known and appreciated game heroines and judged them from a real-life perspective. We were shocked and scared. Let the countdown begin!

6. Princess Peach (Mario Games)



In the game world
We have a slow start: in her virtual life, Nintendo’s princess is not the girl you would dare to call a femme fatale – she started her career as the damsel in distress that seems to have an affinity to being kidnapped by a so-called monster that looks like genetically modified dragon. Or turtle. Or both. Still, she is a cheerful and well-mannered person – not to mention the fact that she is filthy rich, as any every princess really is.

In real life
Living with a real Princess Peach would be a huge pain in the arse, because this girl is totally wicked and has absolutely no survival instincts. She definitely has a thing or two to hide, since her real name is Toadstool, not Peach and she loves adventure too much for a little innocent princess (probably there are some incriminating pictures she is actually searching for). Not to mention the fact that you’ll have to become a plumber for her to love you to the end of the days and all these days will be extremely looong, since you’ll spend most of the time you should be spending with her actually trying to save her.

Also, this girl has a sick affinity to pink and I doubt you’d like to spend your entire life in a pink-colored home, ironing her pink dresses (since she’s a princess, she can’t do ironing and since you’re a plumber, you can’t hire somebody to do that – not to mention that all your money will go to those guys who kidnap her and demand ransom). And just a secret between us, guys: she loves her pink dresses so much that she will never – and I mean NEVER – consider taking them of. And the conclusion to this is obvious.

5. Olivia Ofrenda (Grim Fandango)



In the game world
Since we sometimes tend to fall for the most bizarre girls in the world, we have decided to include Grim Fandango’s character – at least for variety’s sake only. Olivia Ofrenda is a tall, thin, hot looking chick and nobody can deny that she is one of the smartest female characters in the history of gaming. She also owns a nightclub, which turns this girl into a "must have", as we, gamers, often say.

In real life
This girl should be taken as a definite "No-No!" from the start, but since you’re a big tough male, you’re sure you can make her change the way she sees things and… let’s say life. Two words for you: You won’t! This chick’s a snake, she will cheat on you with your best friend and his best friend while you’re out to buy her cigarettes (yes, she has that disgusting habit, too), she will format your hard drives and burn ALL your games when she will get bored (about 3 minutes after meeting you) and you can’t do anything to stop her. Not to mention the fact that she will scare the life out of your parents when you take her home to meet your family and you should never ever tell her you’d like to see her home since it’s a bit too "underground" for any living soul. Oh, yeah, I almost forgot: she’s a hardcore anorexic since she’s all made out of bones, so if there will be any dogs around her you can tell her good-bye. And you really should!

4. Kasumi (Dead or Alive)



In the game world
And we’re finally getting to some real hardcore stuff! Kasumi is a true femme fatale, an absolute treasure that can beat the crap out of anybody who dares to say something bad to her, while being, probably the kindest spirited female fighter in a video game. This girl is made out of pure energy and she turns into an eye-candy whenever she feels like playing beach volleyball with her girl friends. She is nothing short of magic!

In real life
First of all, you should know that you’ll end up in jail near Bubba if you’re allowed to drink alcohol in pubs: Kasumi is only 17 years-old. Therefore, no matter if you feel like you are 16 again, if your ID says that you are 18 or older, she is a definite "game over" for you, so stop dreaming and skip to the next girl. Neither the younger lads should get too excited. Kasumi doesn’t really have a good sense of humor and she gets offended pretty quickly and you can be sure about one thing: she will beat the crap out of you, since she’s a ninjutsu expert. In addition, she will drive you mad with her stories about how great Hayate is and that she will never accept the fact that you are nothing but a video-game geek. Finally, she will send you straight to the hospital since you will, at some point, sneak a peek to her younger cousin and her eagle eyes won't miss a thing. However, if you do manage to get over all these obstacles, get ready for the final test: you will have to spend the rest of your life on the Japanese Mount Fuji, far away from the civilized world, laptops or game consoles - Kasumi doesn’t really like violence (she was just testing you!), but you should avoid refusing her, since she can cause a lot of pain.

3. Claire Redfield (Resident Evil)



In the game world
She is a rebel, independent woman. She left school and she is ready to do anything for her family. She is also a survivor, a girl that fights for her rights (to party) and she’s ready to use force to take something that she thinks that should be hers. Not to mention the fact that Claire really knows how to deal with guns and has a crush for tight clothes. Perfection, right?

In real life
Not exactly... she might seem to be the perfect girl for all the rebel guys out there and I’m sure you’re one of them: she loves riding (motorcycles, at least) and she looks absolutely sexy in leather. You will always see her wearing black high heels and a red, see-through dress (yes, if you are thinking Milla Jovovich, you’ve got it!). However, you’d better train to be a good police officer if you want to hold her near you, otherwise a random guy called Leon will appear and she will completely fall in love with him. Also, you’d better be a good swimmer and a huge nature fan since she’s a Greenpeace member… being tightly tied to a tree in the middle of the forest is not exactly what you would call a "romantic date", right? Well… that’s what she considers romantic, so you’d better get ready for that, too. Oh, one more thing: get ready for lots of singing in the rain or, even better, whenever you see the clouds on the sky, just run away and hide. Never ever offer to give her an umbrella (...ella, ...ella, ...ella) and never mention that word if you love life (yours, especially)!

2. Lara Croft (Tomb Raider)



In the game world
We have here a phenomenon. A cliché. A girl that is so famous that you start thinking that it might be totally uncool to talk about her or to love her. But she is arguably the gaming industry’s leading lady – the female Indiana Jones, as some might call her. The Barbie girl, the males’ standard of beauty – as the others would. But she’s just Lara and nobody would say "No" to her, no matter what they are prepared to admit to their geek friends.

In real life
And as if a perfect body were not enough, you will always have Angelina Jolie in mind when you will be holding Lara’s hand. Still, there are some huge problems regarding her personality – things that will most likely make you wish she turned back into a bunch of sexy pixels bouncing on your screen. First of all, even though you will always have Angelina Jolie in your mind when you’ll be holding her hand, Harrison Ford will be the guest star. That "Indiana Jones" thing just can’t get out of your mind. Dirty, sweaty, smelly Indiana Jones. Yup – that’s your girl, your treasure hunter, you candy. And she might also be a bit too old for you – she’s born in ’68, which makes her 40, which further means that she might not be a complete stranger to plastic surgeries. Yeah… sad but true: two of the things you like most about Lara Croft are not real. Oh, my God! And she just refused to take a shower!

1. Rayne (Bloodrayne)



In the game world
The craziest chick of all and probably the sexiest, too. She knows that she’s smoking hot and she loves all the attention she’s getting. Rayne is already a Playboy superstar and, for her, clothes and small pieces of soft material to cover the most interesting parts of hers are the same thing. She has a crush on black and red leather, corsets and big, long things. Blades – to be sure you don't think at something you shouldn't. She loves getting into trouble and embracing people every now and then. A deadly embrace but still…

In real life
The biggest problem you will have with Rayne is that you will never dare to let her kiss you. And, judging by the way she dresses, a platonic relationship is not the first thing that crosses your mind when you scribble in your notebook "Me + Rayne = Love". She is half vampire, after all and she does get thirsty! So you will never be allowed to lose your temper and say something like "bite me!" – she will gladly do it! And these two things combined are exactly the two main reasons why she is the most dangerous game character to come to life: you’re only human and you will never be able to resist the temptation. You will beg her to jump and embrace you, to wrap her sexy legs around you and, and… and the rest will be history. You will be meeting Olivia Ofrenda in no time. And we already decided that she’s not a great partner, either.

So, what's the conclusion? Game characters are game characters (that's really smart, I know!). Their job is to entertain us and they are just not meant to be made out of flesh and blood. And some things should remain exactly as they are (even though Uwe Boll tries to bring to life a game character every now and then).

Also, feel free to share your opinions about what other female heroines would turn into real monsters if they are (or would be) brought to life. Who do you like the most?

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