14 DAY TRIAL // My name is Bugsy the Clumsy, the superstar of the recently released casual game Sport Dash. Yes, I know, it sounds strange for a guy named like that to have such a job. Actually, the developers wanted to be funny. Or make fun of a clumsy, overweight fella like me, I don't know. Or they just hired me because my sister, Flo, is the star of Diner Dash; my cousin Quinn stars in Wedding Dash and Dee, the Ice Cream Dee-Lites star is my sister-in-law. You see, we're a family built for this kind of job, the best in the world: star in a casual game. And just to prove to you how cool being a game superhero is, I have decided to keep a diary and publish it exclusively on Softpedia. Check it out!
Day 1
1:00 PM Wee! Some nice fellas put me here on this cool website together with other games. Casual, they call them. Look! I am on the cover, too. Buy Bugsy the Clumsy starring in Sport Dash! 1:18 PM Uhm... The other games here... we all seem like a family. I take a look. Every other hero on this website does exactly what I do. Wow, we're so many! It seems like people really love to get a basketball and give it to the player, then do the same again and again and again... 3:48 PM "Buy Bugsy the Clumsy! Buy Bugsy the Clumsy!" God, I am sooo tired! Why nobody wants to play with me? 4:42 PM Weee! A nice little lady bought my game! We're going to have fun. Let the party begin! 8:16 PM Hey, lady! Why did you buy the game if you're not going to play it? Press the install button NOW! 11:42 PM I thought that you buy a game to play it. She didn't even install it! I'm tired, upset and hungry. I'm going to sleep now. What a bad day!
Day 2
9:22 AM The lady woke me up. She's a "morning person", I see. Time for the tutorial. We'll quickly get over this and start the real game. 9:58 AM Come on, lady! You have to bring two basketballs and one towel to that tall player. How hard can that be? Jeez! 10:12 AM She just gave up. She couldn't finish the tutorial. Please, God, tell me I'm just having a bad dream! 2:04 PM It's so boring here. I think I've put on some more weight. I thought people buy games to play them. Sport Dash is a great title, you know. Easy and fun. And the lady wasn't even able to complete the tutorial! 6:07 PM Finally! Her husband came from work and he's teaching the woman how to play the game. She understands quickly, I know it's an easy game. I love delivering basketballs and towels to the players! I have a dram job and I'm back in business. 6:42 PM Hey, mister! Allow the lady to play the game, will you? She bought it, OK? 7:04 PM The guy is developing an addiction. We're at level 12. I am exhausted. God damn you, blue towels on red towels on green towels near a basketball! You're so heavy. I need a break! 8:52 PM Finally! Last level! The guy finished the game. I can't feel my legs, or my hands. The basketball players are tired, too. The husband looks happy. At least, I did my job. It's called entertainment. 8:58 PM No, lady! Go away! Don't get closer, I'm too tired! 8:59 PM She just wanted to quit the game. Thank God!
Day 3
9:24 AM The woman is playing the game now. She managed to go through the tutorial, we're having a good time together now! Bugsy the Clumsy is the best! She doesn't even hurry too much, I don't get tired, and it's OK. 9:32 AM Here we go again... she's stuck. She doesn't manage to combine the red towel with the blue towel in order to create the "Superstar's towel". She just tells me to move from a corner to another, pointless, as time is running up. 9:35 AM I am dizzy. I've circled the room 12 times already. She just doesn't want to combine the two towels. She giggles and laughs when the tall basketball players get mad and start throwing balls at me. Damn, it hurts! 9:39 AM She got bored. I can't understand that. She just played for 15 minutes! I understand that it's called "casual game"... but I was hoping for some more hardcore-ness in this "casual" thing. 5:40 PM I am really bored. I wonder if my relatives, Dee and Flo and Quinn all get the same treatment. Being a casual game hero sucks! These people are not even playing! 6:58 PM The woman has just told her husband that she loves the game "Sport Dash" and I can't believe my ears. She loves a game, yet she plays it for 15 minutes?
Day 4
9:54 AM Come on, lady! Please! Take the red towel and combine it with the blue one in order to create the "Superstar's towel!" Not the green one, not the white one, not the black one! Not the blue one and the red one. The correct order is: red, blue. Come on, it's not that hard! 10:02 AM I said: RED, then BLUE! These basketballs hurt! 10:09 AM I need to go to the hospital. Really! Thank God she left. 3:22 PM The woman played the game again. Ten minutes, this time. There is one thing I don't understand (well, actually, there are more, but just one matters now): she started the game and passed the "Superstar's towel" mission immediately. She played the whole game perfectly. Why didn't she do it from the start? People are mean sometimes! 8:44 PM I feel lonely and bored again. I should be called The Bored of The Rings, or something! Maybe being a casual game superhero is not exactly the best thing in the world. I see people don't really play with us. God, I'd love to be a FPS hero now, in a Softpedia game. To save the world. "Bugsy the Clumsy to the rescue!" I was born to fight against alien hordes, barbarian invasions and so on, not to deliver towels to sweaty basketball players.
Day 5
10:17 AM The woman amazes me. She plays like a pro, does everything perfectly. Not a single wrong click, not one missed towel. She's exhausting me. What has happened? 10:29 AM Now I understand! She wants to beat her husband's time records! I'm running around here like a mad man, but she is always one second too slow. 11:23 AM She has just left. She was visibly upset: she didn't manage to beat one single record. I am sorry for her. I did my best. I even bribed the basketball players to ask for the easiest combinations. All was in vain. 4:14 PM Here we go again! She has started a new game. Now we're going to kick arse! That's what I am talking about, baby! This is what superheroes should do: keep playing. 9:02 PM God, please, make it stop! I am so bored with doing the same thing over and over again. Somebody shoot me!
Day 6
9:52 AM I wonder what has happened to the lady. She's nowhere to be seen. Why isn't she playing? She still has a few records of her husband's to beat. 10:38 AM OK, I must admit that's strange... maybe her husband should be playing? Beat her records? Feel the competition, people! Do it! Start playing! I'm so bored! 4:22 PM I wonder whether they have forgotten about me. Bugsy the Clumsy is all alone now. I hate my job, I hate being a game super hero, I hate casual games! I need more! I can do better!
Day 7 11:49 AM I have just realized that I'm pretty good at basketball. Since neither the woman, nor her husband came back to play, I have joined the guys in the yard. I managed a double-double in my first match. I'm not that clumsy! 4:42 PM I am really tired, but I feel good. I will quit this job and apply for a sports game one. I am really good at basketball. 7:02 PM Sorry, lady. It's not like you have played Sport Dash, anyway, but I must leave your computer. I need to achieve greater things. I'll send a letter to my sister, Flo, maybe she will pay you a visit, but I will never EVER apply for a casual game role again!