14 DAY TRIAL // It's rarely that the jail system in Minnesota has the honor of accommodating a guest of such a distinct magnitude as John Alfred Sharkey, the 44 year-old citizen who claims he is actually a vampire, though admittedly a modern type, seeing how he was incarcerated for harassing his former girlfriend, a teenager. He met her on MySpace, shortly after be began campaigning on the website for governor. Oh, and he also ran for President of the United States, despite the fact that he got no votes to speak of. Now, he is jailed and threatening to turn into a bat and whatnot, and to drain the blood of his oppressors.
According to the Post-Bulletin, “The girl told police they began dating online. She said she tried to end the online relationship, but he refused to let her. She said that 'in a desperate attempt' to get him to leave her alone, she e-mailed him that she was a member of an elite vampire hunter society and for the two of them to continue their relationship would put him in danger. She said that he called her cell phone and that she answered only after he sent her an e-mail threatening to call her family.”
Eventually, the girl's father got involved in the e-mail exchange, but that didn't stop our vampire, the founder of the Vampire Nation and ex-presidential candidate, from harassing her even further. The cops got to him, in the end, and locked him in jail, away from human throats, in order to give him a chance to reflect on all the deeds he committed over his long life of sin. Admittedly, the man thinks even now that the teenage girl is his “wife and princess,” and that it's his duty to turn her to the dark side, on account of the cookies that reportedly can be found there in abundance.
As there's no way for him to get a hold of his ancient treasure chest and post the $125,000 bail, he will most likely end up in jail, where he will probably attempt to use his vampire charms to seduce female guards into setting him free, and possibly becoming his “princesses.” It never ceases to amaze psychologists how people can build such a clear barrier between their minds and the real outside world, and how seemingly normal people can have the most absurd fantasies about the individuals around them.