14 DAY TRIAL // In light of the recent wave of crimes, some more gruesome in nature than others, the Center for Disease Control and Prevention is taking swift action so that panic doesn't sweep over the nation: zombies don't exist, so the so-called “zombie apocalypse” can't possibly be looming.
Earlier this week, a man was shot dead in Miami after cops observed him eating the face off another man, a homeless person.
It later turned out that the flesh-eating savage was on drugs, but that didn't stop people at home from assuming something else might have been wrong with him – like, say, the fact that he'd been brought back from the dead and was now a zombie.
This was just the latest in a series of crimes that The Huffington Post brands subhuman, and with good reason at that.
“Zombie apocalypse” has been trending for days on various social networking websites and, for once, it has nothing to do with the promotion of a new post-apocalyptic movie with Hollywood's favorite undead.
People are actually scared that zombies are taking over the US; otherwise, they can't explain this recent wave of crimes.
The CDC wants them to calm down because their fears are unfounded. Zombies don't exist, they say in an email to the aforementioned media outlet.
“CDC does not know of a virus or condition that would reanimate the dead (or one that would present zombie-like symptoms),” agency spokesman David Daigle tells the HuffPo.
“Gawker fingered a 'mysterious rash' breakout at a high school in Hollywood and other parts of Florida – which hazmat and disease control teams still can't explain – as further proof that zombies are taking over,” the Post writes.
“Zombie-like characteristics have been confirmed in the animal kingdom, just not in humans. A newfound fungus in a Brazilian rain forest – called Ophiocordyceps camponoti-balzani – is known to infect an ant, take over its brain so as to move the body to a good location for growth, and then kill the insect,” the report further notes.
However, us humans are safe for the time being.
The CDC has issued zombie warnings in the past, which were actually funny ways of telling the population to prepare for natural disasters, but this time, it's dead serious: zombies do not exist.