Tom Cruise Is As Straight As They Come

This would be really funny if it weren't tragic. Apparently, someone really spooked the people at In Touch magazine – my money is on the Scientology fans, but I may be wrong – so badly, that they decided to clear up once and for all one of the biggest dilemmas of the past and present century: Tom Cruise's sexual orientations. In other words, whether this guy’s truly gay, like the press all over the world has been snidely implying for more than a decade, or not. And what they did was pure genius: they hired an investigator to look into Tom Cruise’s sexuality. And you’ll be shocked by what they found.

The magazine’s cover bears the title FINALLY THE TRUTH. Well, actually I have a suggestion to make. And we all know how the Scientologist are fans of free speech and really encourage speaking the truth, especially when it comes to one of their most public personalities. Well, if they say so then we believe them. The fact is, In Touch’s highly respected private detective (a former porn star, no less, so you can see how he’s all about professionalism and work ethics) came up with some pretty hard core (pun intended) evidence that Tom Cruise is actually very much straight. This is an excerpt of what In Touch says.

"He’s been married three times and has also been romantically linked with some of Hollywood’s most desirable women. Yet for nearly his entire career, Tom Cruise has been subject to pervasive rumors that he’s gay. Though Tom’s camp has repeatedly denied the talk, it has persisted over the years, with two men even claiming to have had affairs with him — tales which Tom was willing to challenge in a court of law. Now, after conducting an extensive investigation of the gay rumors, porn star-turned-private investigator Paul Barresi is speaking to In Touch about his findings. "Everything I’ve found and everything I know points to Tom being heterosexual," Paul tells In Touch".

The one interesting aspect that In Touch keeps under wraps is that this investigator (it still makes me laugh to call a guy who used to have sex on camera for a living "investigator" and think of non sexual metaphors at the same time) – Paul Barresi – is the same guy who actually even wrote a book about a year ago in which he claimed to hold undisputed evidence that Tom is in fact gay, including an account of a sexual encounter between Tom and a male hooker that allegedly took place while Tom was still married to Nicole Kidman.

No need to wonder what made Barresi change his mind. Lots of money can actually make a compelling argument. I'm just saying - it's quite strange for the same man to come out with two completely opposite stories in less than a year. What are the odds, really? But since he makes such a good case for Cruise, it's good if we just believe him and we leave things as they are. Some stones are better left unturned, if you know what I mean.

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