14 DAY TRIAL // Everything in “This Means War,” the latest film from former music video director McG (“Charlie's Angels,” “Terminator Salvation”), seems to work against it, at least in theory. However, put in execution, the film does have its good moments and plenty of eye candy, so you might just end up enjoying it more than you should.
On one hand, we have one of the best looking male duos to hit the screen in recent times: Tuck (Tom Hardy) and FDR (Chris Pine) are CIA's top agents, best buddies and exclusive friends.
One is a hopeless romantic still dreaming of finding real love and starting a family, initially with his ex-wife and son; the other is a player in every sense of the word, handsome, charming and opposed to committing to any relationship longer than one night.
The opening scene, shot on the top of a skyscraper in Hong Kong, sets the mood for the entire film: we have ridiculously handsome guys in custom-made, one of a kind suits, incredibly sensual women looking to get it on with said guys, glossy surfaces laden with expensive drinks and hors d'oeuvres, and a bad guy (Til Schweiger) who just strolls in, thinking he can rob the place.
Tuck and FDR are on a mission and, though warned they should act under cover, they make quite a mess of things, after which they're “grounded” to desk jobs.
This will allow them to pursue a mission closer to their heart, that of wooing Lauren Scott (Reese Witherspoon) in the most childish, stalker-ish manner ever imagined for the big screen.
While Lauren is a well to do career woman, a product analyzer, she still acts like she's 14 or 16 (at most), and gets giddy when she crosses paths with her ex on the street, feeling the compulsive need to lie that she too is happily in another relationship – and even to make out with a man who is almost a complete stranger to her to prove it to him.
Both Tuck and FDR fall in love with her the moment they lay eyes on her, the former thanks to an ad her BFF Trish (Chelsea Handler) put up online on a dating site, the latter because of a chance meeting in a giant video store.
While they initially strike a gentlemen's agreement to not let their little competition ruin their friendship, the moment the two men realize they're in love with Lauren and neither of them wants to back off, the claws come out.
Luckily (?), they're not too proud to bend or even break every rule in book, using government money to stage the most elaborate stake-out and surveillance ops – not to mention the kind of equipment they destroy in their childish competition.
If this were ever to happen in real life, chances are Lauren wouldn't be upset that these two knew each other and did not tell her about it – she'd have bigger things to worry about, like the bugs in her house and how her every move was recorded and then watched by at least a handful of skilled assassins.
Speaking of, the movie's villain, an international criminal whose name viewers will most likely forget because of his prolonged absence on screen between the first and final act (it's Heinrich, by the way), serves only as a device to show that Tuck and FDR actually have jobs. It's a shame, if you think about it, to have the talented Til Schweiger just sit there, looking tall, unshaven and menacing.
As absurd as all you've read might sound, it somehow works on the big screen. If you try and pick apart the film, you will most definitely convince yourself that it's a complete waste of time: but that would mean you didn't even pay attention to the poster of the film you just bought tickets for.
It says so right there: it's spy vs. spy for one woman.
Relying heavily on the chemistry between the two male leads and, more importantly, on their individual charm, “This Means War” actually has genuinely funny moments (the paintball scene, the Klimt paintings scene) that make it easier for the viewer to keep up with the insane pace of car chases, explosions and absurd plot twists.
Sadly, the female stars of the film do nothing in terms of making it more easily digestible. Whiterspoon may be all sorts of things, but she's definitely not the irresistibly attractive femme fatale who can make two men, who basically have everything they want, go against each other.
Neither is she the glitzy blonde she's chosen to play in some of her more recent films.
Chelsea Handler, on the other hand, is everything that Trish is: she's crass, shameless and always calls it like it is. Too bad then that she has no idea how to go about building a character, to give it life in front of the camera.
McG has often been described as a budget Michael Bay and this is very apparent in “This Means War.” While his film doesn't make the slightest effort to actually offer a narrative to engage the viewer in, it's still perceived as more fun than it ought to be – in a glossy, mindless kind of way.
“This Means War” runs for 98 minutes, and is rated PG-13 for scenes of violence and some language. It opened in select theaters on Valentine's Day, February 14, and had wide release on February 17 in the US and Canada. It will open in Germany, Ireland and the UK in March, and conclude its run in Italy on April 20, 2012.
The Good
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Nevertheless, to be completely honest, the two funniest scenes in the film and the almost shameless amount of eye candy (for both the ladies and the gents) will most definitely make most viewers forget about the cons of “This Means War.”
