The Vortex, Vacuuming Yourself to Orgasm

We might not have solved all of humankind's problems, like CO2 emissions, but when it comes to sexual toys for women, we rule. Who needs alternative energy solutions when you can have bed-shaking earthquaking orgasms?

The vibrating thingies weren't enough and so, a more innovative solution was required. Say hello to the Vortex Vibrations Suction Vacuum Cleaner Vibrator. It sounds like something taken from a second hand movie, but it's touted as being more efficient at reaching orgasms.

Although the idea itself is interesting, my question is this: "Who on Earth would use his/her vacuum cleaner for sexual gratification?" Yes, it's true. The Vortex Vibrations Suction Vacuum Cleaner Vibrator works together with a vacuum cleaner that creates a flow of air to vibrate the clitoris.

According to the manufacturer, the Vortex consists of two devices, the Introducer (more suction, less vibration) and the Seducer (less suction more vibration). Don't laugh, these are some serious high-tech devices.

Here's what they do. With the Introducer, "the single opening causes the suction to be slightly stronger and the airflow is not as intense"; this will cause a longer orgasm due to reduced airflow. The manufacturer suggests that "you use the Introducer initially to prolong the build up of your orgasm. It tends to create a longer, rolling orgasm that some women have found to last up to one minute."

With the Seducer, "the clitoris is caught up in an intense air current and it vibrates at a very rapid speed causing a much quicker buildup. The Seducer is for faster, more intense orgasms. It's also great for multiple back to back orgasms."

And now, the extremely hilarious part. Here come the instructions: "Place Vortex over the clitoris against the labia. Suction will immediately increase blood flow to the clitoris causing it to enlarge and become sensitive. Move the slider down and the clitoris itself starts to vibrate, fluttering like a reed in a saxophone. By adjusting the slider upward or downward, YOU control the rate of vibration."

If the vacuum cleaner is your favorite household appliance, this is when you should put it to good use, a good use aside from the one intended by the manufacturer. But beware, the Vortex Vibrations Suction Vacuum Cleaner Vibrator priced at 40 pounds is currently unavailable.

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