Extremely awkward and unintentionally funny, but more elaborate sequel

Dec 5, 2009 14:21 GMT  ·  By
“New Moon” is the second installment in “The Twilight Saga,” based on Stephenie Meyer’s books
7 photos
   “New Moon” is the second installment in “The Twilight Saga,” based on Stephenie Meyer’s books

“This is the last time you’ll ever see me,” sparkly, brooding and androgynous vampire Edward Cullen, played by the equally good-looking British actor Robert Pattinson, tells Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart), his mortal girlfriend. Of course, he’s lying, even though critics wish he’d been serious about it. The entire “New Moon,” the second installment of “The Twilight Saga” revolves around Edward or, rather, around the presence of his absence, as fans who have already devoured Stephenie Meyer’s four books already know. Directed by Chris Weitz, a director with lots of extraordinary projects under his belt, “New Moon” is definitely this year’s best worst movie released, critics agree.

The follow-up to the 2008 “Twilight,” renamed to capitalize on the madness it generated, starts off where the first film left off. Edward is still a vampire and Bella, though she resents it, is still the same moody, depressed and personality-devoid mortal she was last year. They are in love and, while she torments herself with thoughts that she’s growing old and he remains petrified in time, painfully beautiful with all those layers of makeup and golden contact lenses, he is happy that she gets to keep her soul while having her also love him.

On Bella’s 18th birthday, she gets a surprise party with the Cullens. However, as any other teen should know, partying with vampires always comes with personal safety hazards: she gets a papercut and is about to become Jasper’s (the newest and most bad-tempered vampire of the vegetarian pack) next meal. In an ultimate act of self-control, self-sacrifice and, to many, absolute love, Edward decides it’s best for Bella if he goes away and never sees her again. In doing so, he not only leaves her open to attacks from resentful red-head killer vampire Victoria and her sidekick, but also in a near-catatonic state that is resumed by Weitz by having her spend three months in the same chair, the same sweat pants and, obviously, taking no bathroom breaks.

At one point, Bella discovers that, despite her fears that she’s starting to forget Edward, whom she still loves desperately, she can see him (or, better yet, a semi-transparent, hologram-like version of him) whenever she’s in real danger. At the same time, she also rekindles her relation with childhood friend Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner) who, for personal reasons, agrees to fix her bike and engage in risky outdoor activities that imply no helmets or other safety measures. But Bella is not the regular high school girl, so Jake is not what he looks like either: in fact, he’s a werewolf and likes to hang around Calvin Klein model types who take standing shirtless in the rain to the level of art. As a werewolf, Jake is a sworn enemy of vampires, his very transformation being dependent on the bloodsuckers.

Sticking very close to the source material from Meyer’s book, the next twist in the plot has Edward believing Bella has killed herself and deciding to do the same by exposing his sparkly self to people and having the Volturi, the only authority vampires know and respect, do him off. There’s a mad car chase, lots of running through a crowd dressed in red cloaks, a too short sequence (for some) of a bare-chested and pale white Edward, and the film climaxes with a kiss between the two star-crossed lovers, the reversed image of the Romeo and Juliet story that was so loved by screenwriter Melissa Rosenberg that she even included quotes from it in the film.

Critics agree that “New Moon” is, without a single doubt, the single most atrocious, awkward and embarrassing film to be released in 2009. With a story that has the support of millions of fans (and we’re not even talking teens necessarily), an able director, an actress who shone in one of the most understated films of the year (“Adventureland”), a British actor with plenty of potential, and good looks to go all around, it’s positively amazing how bad the film can be. This happens, critics believe, because the script was bad, the dialogue cringe-worthy and the pressure too big, which inevitably led to Weitz and the cast doing what the studio, Summit Entertainment, wanted. And what Summit wanted from the start was to make many millions off the film – mission accomplished.

There is little acting in “New Moon.” Pattinson, believed to be a star with plenty of potential (hype generated by good looks aside), only knows how to frown and brood, with every word coming out of his pretty mouth accompanied by the distinct impression that he’s suffering from severe constipation. Kristen Stewart, genuinely a good actress, is as blank as a sheet of paper, managing to do the impressive feat of not once letting any kind of emotion show on her face. Lautner, although off to a promising start, soon becomes stuck in the “hunk” category and just somewhat settles for looking pretty and buff.

The only redeeming characters in the film are Charlie Swan (Billy Burke) and Aro (Michael Sheen), with one seemingly constantly confused by the atrocity going around him, and the other so shocked he can’t but make fun of it. Which is what all the actors should have done, some critics believe, because they’re all trying so hard to make of this a “serious,” “grownup” thing that they come across as downright ridiculous. “New Moon” is not unintentionally funny – it is hilarious, which is also probably the only thing stopping non-fans from walking out in the first 10 minutes. Painful to watch and almost irresistible not to, “New Moon” is like a trainwreck that happens before the viewers’ eyes: they want to avert their attention from it but are unable to.

“The Twilight Saga: New Moon” opened in select US theaters on November 16 and in most territories a few days later, on the 20th. At the moment, it continues to be at number one in most box-office charts. It runs 130 minutes and is rated PG-13 for some violence and action.


The Good

“New Moon” is more elaborate and sophisticated than “Twilight,” with better photography, action scenes and a score that would put to shame most Hollywood productions. For fans, it will certainly not be a disappointment, sticking almost to the letter to Meyer’s book (save some minor adaptations). The end is not so much a resolution as a promise of things to come – and hopes are high that what will come will be better, with director David Slade (“Hard Candy,” “30 Days of Night”) helming “Eclipse.”

The Bad

“New Moon” is a movie made for financial reasons alone, which makes it so that it is 129 minutes (of the 130 runtime) too long. Everything that happens in it could have been resumed in a single shot, critics say. Given the popularity of Meyer’s books, this makes even non-fans feel a tinge of regret and some resentment at Summit for ruining what would have otherwise been a potentially beautiful love story.

The Truth

Fans will love “New Moon” no matter what reviews say because it finally allows them to have a proper visual of the book they loved so much. Non-fans will smile and cringe and wonder what makes the “Twilight” phenomenon one of the most impressive we have today in showbiz. “The Twilight Saga: New Moon” is a work dedicated to fans and the almighty dollar, so lamenting how awful it is is probably redundant.

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“New Moon” is the second installment in “The Twilight Saga,” based on Stephenie Meyer’s books
“New Moon” is the second installment in “The Twilight Saga,” based on Stephenie Meyer’s booksKristen Stewart is Bella Swan, arguably the worst role model cinematography has proposed in recent years
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