The True Sex Tape Gods

It's sex tape week, everybody, and already we have two contestants in the race and many people out there keeping their fingers crossed and wishing and hoping that the (what should have stayed) private sex romps of both Eva Longoria and Brit Brit hit the media as soon as possible. And then we'll talk some more.

But the fact is, even among all the current rumors and speculations, Brit and Eva have a long way to go if they want to reach the standards set by two of the most well-known and infamous sex tape protagonists ever - Pammy Anderson and her third hubby-to-be Rick Salomon.

Forget everyone else. Pammy and Rick are the real deal, people. Anderson (with Tommy Lee) and Salomon (with Paris Hilton) starred in the most talked about celebrity porn tapes of the past 20 years. So it kind of makes sense that they hooked up and are already talking marriage. It all makes perfect sense, in fact. It was destiny. Written in the stars. Meant to be. And I even feel confident enough in their union to launch a few short term guesses - and I bet you we'll be seeing at least two of them happen in six months tops.

1. As soon as they get married, a sex tape will be leaked with their honeymoon sexploits - and the whole world will be in awe at just how much more mature their approach to porn has become over the past years. It will get prizes and stuff - and I'm not even joking with this.

2. An argument will break out between them at some point regarding who's the better porn protagonist. Pammy will win - and NOT because she's the blonde half of the couple. You figure it out! They'll make things up soon, though, and release another sex tape just to prove to the world that they're still going strong. I mean, they conquered the Internet and DVD without each other, so imagine what they can do together. Like one of my friends once told me - putting Salomon and Anderson together in an adult movie is a marketing bonanza just waiting to happen.

3. And, finally, I bet that in about four or five months, Paris Hilton and Tommy Lee will get engaged. And then we'll see some serious revenge sex...they do say that's the best, don't they?