I have no idea why people with money and without a care in the world always have to mess up on festive occasions, but they do - and it's not pleasant, I tell you. But then again, I don't think it's relevant to ask why two people with money and (reasonable) good looks would choose to look like they're fifty and in charge of the whole planet Earth - the fact is, I can't remember the last time Posh looked so bad and David so self-absorbed, so I'll pass on the "why" and head straight for the "what". And yes, Victoria is an eyeful - so I confess it took me a while to make up my mind about which part of her looks was making my head hurt.

It might be the fact that for a woman who ranked among 2007's top 10 beauty icons (which sounds kind of dubious to me in the first place) Victoria broke two of the basic "look gorgeous" rules: she didn't match her face to her body and overdid it with the make-up on the eyes and mouth.

Let me be a little more specific. Since she took it upon herself to teach American ladies all about style (put in your favorite sarcastic laugh here), Posh probably decided her own, ghostly-pale white skin was a little too much to begin with, and got an airbrush tan to match her new Los Angeles lifestyle. But judging by this photo, she definitely forgot all about being effectively orange, and put on a foundation that is obviously too pale for the rest of her body - and ended up like a character from Tim Burton's "Corpse Bride". She effectively looks like her head was glued to her body - and that whoever did it did a poor job.

Which brings me to the second rule she broke - too much make-up on both her eyes and mouth. I had no idea she was trying to match Christina Aguillera's reputation (or maybe put her out of business) but too much make-up on Victoria's already pale face (which was also over-exposed by that hideous turban she's wearing) is not good news. It makes her look like she's trying too hard - which she is anyway. Her dress is nice, but is she wearing an invisible blanket on top of her Posh dress, too? I mean, isn't she freezing? Add the fact that she's looking self-absorbed and arrogant and annoyingly grumpy, and you have a portrait of Posh looking like she's effectively turning into Michael Jackson. Her face totally looks like it's going to collapse any moment now. Someone, get help!