Who on earth would allow their kid to play with a Paris Hilton doll? And no, don't give me that look - I'm not talking about a blow-up doll or some fancy new kind of vibrator or dildo. I'm not talking in code either - come on, we're not at a Scientology convention here - and no, Paris luckily didn't clone herself yet for the benefit of her many fans. What she did do, however, was to release a doll styled by her very own two hands. Metaphorically, I mean. And you know what the saddest part of this piece of news is? The fact that I'm pretty sure Paris was convinced the mini replicas of herself would just fly off the shelves in the toy shops. But really, does the world really need more Paris Hilton in it? I think we all know the answer to this question by now...

Trouble is, the mini Paris doll comes with a kit to help little girls style their precious plastic friend. I think parents who are reckless enough to buy such a doll for their kid should be extra careful and check the packaging in case the manufacturers included some of Paris' arsenal in there. So check for condoms, sexy underwear, Rick Salomon, a blank tape and a video camera, STDs and a bottle of "make my eye wonky" pills. Also, they should keep an eye out for unusual public displays of shamelessness from their little girls, including flashing their knickers on their way to kindergarten, developing the sudden ability to talk exclusively about themselves and manifesting the firm conviction that they can act, sing and model all before they reach the tender age of 10. I'm just saying...

As far as I'm concerned, the Paris doll (as seen in the photo) is pretty much a fake, in the sense that it doesn't accurately depict her live counterpart. No wonk eye, no mini skirt, and did someone check if it has panties on? Because if she has panties on, she's definitely not an accurate depiction of the soon to be former heiress. Also, someone should test if there's any alcohol inside - ans check for pot and other "weeds" while you're at it. Just to be on the safe side of things.