Boy, am I happy that my birthday is about nine months away! I really am - particularly since I have some pretty big ideas about how to celebrate this year, and I need plenty of time to put them all into practice - and by that I mean save enough to finally be able to afford that tropical island holiday I've been dreaming of for so long. You see, I'm sure you'd agree with me when I say that the average person would normally think of a birthday as a pretext to have others entertain them - friends, girlfriend/boyfriend, professional strippers, specialists in erotic massage, anyone and anything you like. Well, not our girl Paris Hilton. I mean, what better pretext for an exhibitionist to put on a show then her own birthday? And when I say "show", I mean racy costumes, a drunk Paris, even more racy costumes, strippers and photographers - the whole shebang.

And yes, just in case you were wondering, Paris Hilton is still probably the greatest slut out there except maybe Lindsay Lohan - but I have my doubts about that. The soon-to-be-former-heiress decided that she'd like to do something really special on her 27th birthday, and after ruling out several other possibilities - such as infecting another man with herpes, sharing another sex romp with Elisha Cuthbert or leaving another fart sound message on Lindsay Lohan's voice mail - settled for the next best thing: making a fool of herself while "performing" with the Pussycat Dolls at Pure in Las Vegas. And since nothing Paris ever does is even remotely original, the blonde disaster decided to imitate the famous burlesque act performed by the much classier Dita von Teese and strut around in an oversize champagne glass.

And since it was her birthday and all, Paris decided to make the party extra special and also donned an S&M-style policeman's outfit complete with leather cap, bra and slutty red lipstick while taking to the stage in order to entertain the guests, for whose benefit she also sang a few songs. Oh, joy - can you imagine being there and treating yourself to a Paris Hilton stage show? Can you think of a batter treat for your ears and your eyes than the sight of Paris dancing almost naked in a champagne glass the size of a bath tub? No, really, I for one would feel completely overwhelmed by such a delight - and would probably feel the need to throw up as a result. Just out of excitement, you know. Don't tell me you can't relate to that feeling.