Quick! Get some money together and pay an army of lawyers to write about a dozen laws forbidding Paris to come back to the States! Our favorite hotel heiress is abroad, and it's really the best time to act. Kidding. OK, so I don't really want Paris out of the country for too long, because then we'd all lose one of the main tourist attractions in the USA. But we can at least enjoy our Paris-free time by...well, writing about what kind of chaos Paris creates on other continents. I admit - I'm addicted. I always suspected I'd burn in hell, anyway. Well, Paris is like a disease - once you're infected, you have to keep writing about her or your symptoms will get progressively worse - which include skankness and sometimes herpes.

The American hotel heiress (that's our Paris! Oh, she makes me so proud) is in China, spreading good will to yet another continent. No, actually she is in Shanghai to attend the MTV Style Gala where she is said to be the guest of honor. Um, are you sure there hasn't been some terrible mistake here? Guest of honor usually applies to someone who's been doing great things, someone people can look up to. Why would Paris qualify as the guest of honor? Unless MTV is actually throwing a "talentless behind bars" themed bash, much to the delight of the crowds in the Chinese city. Yes, then she's definitely qualified.

Paris will also be presenting awards at the MTV Asian music awards. Again, same question applies - what do Paris and good music have in common? And no, I'm not talking about horror musicals here. Anyway, the fact is that Paris Hilton is in China, she's going to spend four days there and she's been spending time...well, being Paris, which means shopping, strutting around and making sure she's the center of attention. I have no idea what Chinese people must have thought when they saw her - they probably were very angry at Westerners who are exporting their junk to China, but there was nothing much they could do. So they resigned to allowing Paris to wear silly dresses and believe that all the whispered conversations, head nodding and pointing people in the streets were doing were displays of admiration. Yeah - dream on.