Paris Hilton Makes Mice Stop Licking Themselves

OK, world, brace yourself for this one: Paris Hilton, it seems, has become such an important, significant and famous celebrity that scientists have started using her in experiments. And no, it doesn't involve human beings being tied to chairs and forced to listen to her songs (the purpose being to determine how long it takes before they pass out) but some really cool experiment involving make rats. Well, if there are still people out there who doubt Paris' value and the fact that she's significant to this universe, now you have the ultimate proof you were woefully wrong. Kidding.

And no, it's not a joke - it's actually true. Scientists have actually found that Paris Hilton causes male mice to calm down from stress and pain. They used a cardboard cutout of our favorite heiress on lab mice and the idea apparently was to see if being around humans has any effect on them. What they found is that when the cutout is around male mice, the latter stop licking their wound from a painful injection. The cutout has no effect on the female mice.

This is absolutely wonderful news! I mean, it makes perfect sense. Male mice stop licking themselves - probably because they are in shock and try to ignore Paris or make themselves believe she's not in the room. But I think those scientists got their celebrity wrong - and should probably run more tests, because I have a shrewd suspicion those mice actually stop licking themselves because they are mortally afraid of Paris eating them or adopting them as pets and then allowing her collection of pooches to chase them around her house.

The part with the female mice who don't respond to Paris' charms is equally entertaining. I mean, you have to hand it to them - they sure know a rat when they see one and they're probably not fooled by Paris' human disguise. After the Paris cutout is removed from the room, they also probably start attacking the male mice for being so stupid and falling for Paris. Poor mice - poor Paris, too. I'm sure she's really proud, though and fancies herself as quite the miracle woman. Well, what can I say… We live in a damn funny world.