Oscars 2014: Ellen DeGeneres’ Hilarious Opening Monolog in Full

Comedienne roasts nominees, has the most fun at Jennifer Lawrence’s expense

By on March 3rd, 2014 06:51 GMT

Ellen DeGeneres returned for a second time to host the Oscars for the 2014 edition, which wrapped up a short while ago and took place at the Dolby Theater in Hollywood, Los Angeles. Her opening speech is available in full below.

The talk show host / comedienne kicked off her opening monolog by saying she never expected she would be asked back to host so soon, after “only” seven years. She then proceeded to roast the nominees and attendees in the usual fashion.

You probably know that, as a rule, all those mentioned in such opening monologs are in on the joke, which is a necessary measure because the camera zooms in on them right after the host makes the crack, to ensure their reaction is caught on camera.

On this note, saying something that has not been pre-approved could be risky. Then again, at such prestigious awards gala, all those invited usually have their game faces on, so even if they are never asked for approval on a joke, they still manage to crack a gracious smile.

Take for instance Liza Minelli, who seemed to have been left out of the loop with Ellen’s speech. She doesn’t seem particularly thrilled to have the host joking about her being a man doing his best Liza Minnelli impersonation, but she still smiles through it all, for as long as the camera is on her.

However, the most hilarious bits were perhaps those in which Ellen pointed out the vanity of the profession they were all there to celebrate.

“For those of you watching around the world, it’s been a tough couple of days for us. It has been raining. We’re fine. Thank you for your prayers,” Ellen said right at the start of her speech, looking positively devastated.

“I’m not saying movies are the most important thing in the world, because we all know the most important thing in the world is youth. But really, we know that the most important thing in life is love and friendship and family. And if people don’t have those things, they usually get into show business. We are all one big, frightened family,” she added later, on the topic of narcissism in Hollywood.

She also spoke a bit about the fashion at the Oscars and the amount of time all the women (and some men, too) in the audience had spent in front of a mirror to look absolutely flawless.

To them, Ellen had just one thing to say: tough noogies, because Jared Leto was the prettiest in the room. Both Jared and his gorgeous mom, his date for the evening, were wildly entertained by this joke.

Check out their reaction (and all the stars’ reactions) to Ellen’s opening skit below.

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