Oh, No! Jessica's Brains Are Getting Married?

Now this must be one of the best (read that most hilarious) Jessica Simpson rumors I heard all year. Yes, I know it's February, so "all year" basically only means a couple of months, but never mind details now - the fact is... drum roll, please... Us Weekly has just come out with a ridiculous story about how Jessica Simpson and her sweetheart Tony Romo are about to get engaged. In the words of that Internet sensation that was once Chris Crocker... bitch, please! I know, that's some rude language and I'm sorry I had to resort to it in the first place, but I really couldn't think of a better way of venting my frustration at the thought that there are people in this world who would actually believe - or even pretend to believe - that a man out there could actually decide of his own free will to get engaged and possibly marry Jessica.

I know, that sounds very cold of me but it's true - I really can't see Jessica walk down the aisle again with another guy who will end up cheating on her about six months into their happy marriage. And no, I really don't have a grudge against Jessica - actually, I feel a little sorry for her, mainly because everything she does seems dogged by catastrophe and because she really has no idea about what "playing to your strengths" means. So, as far as I'm concerned, acting and relationships are two things that Jessica is NOT good at, mainly because she's allowing her scheming dad to run the show for her. He produces her movies and finds her good-looking guys to date. No, that definitely doesn't sound like a good combination.

So, back to Jessica and Tony's relationship heaven. You see, this rumor is even more ridiculous because we always hear people telling magazines and gossip sites that Tony and Jessica are not such a perfect match as we might be... ahem, tempted to believe. And no, I don't think it's all true, but somehow I know the media can't get it ALL wrong. But among the string of Tony and Jessica "insiders" who have been predicting the couple's split for a while now, here comes the bomb: a close friend of Romo's, Michael Starr (the fact that we get his name actually adds some credibility to the claim, although not much) told Us Weekly "I think they're going to get married", while Sophia Bush (who used to date Romo, ironically) told Us "I think they could go the distance. They're perfect for each other. They're both funny and wonderful and kind. I'm rooting for them". Well, so are we, right? Right?