“I hated myself, I’d never felt more alone,” singer says in new VH1 special
In the latest VH1 special Behind the Music, which will air this Sunday, former Pussycat Dolls leader Nicole Scherzinger opens up about her 8-year battle with bulimia, and how it nearly ended her career and her life.Two preview videos are available below, embedded at the end of the article.
Nicole admits that she never spoke about her eating disorder, saying she never wanted it out there because it’s “embarrassing.”
However, by the time her condition got at its worst, everyone around her knew that she had a serious, life-threatening problem that she needed to get under control.
“It’s embarrassing. I never spoke about it. Like I said, I never want to play a victim, and I never wanted my family to hear about things from me because I think it would break their heart, you know,” Nicole shares.
She never did drugs, but her weight had always been her biggest insecurity, so all her problems derived from that, including self-harming.
“I guess it was like my addiction, right? I never did drugs, but kinda doing things to myself was my addiction. It’s like when I got off stage, I was on this high, and I’d come back to my room and I’d be alone, so I would just do things. My bulimia was my addiction; hurting myself was my addiction,” she says.
Her former PCD mates and the group’s creator, as well as her closest friends knew that she was in serious trouble because they were starting to see the physical, tell-tale signs of an eating disorder: scars on her hands, deterioration of teeth, hair and skin, a poorer quality of her voice.
Nicole explains that she only did these things out of a profound hate towards herself and incredibly low self-esteem.
“I did it every day for, like, years. Every time I had a second to be alone, I was doing something to myself. You get, like, blisters on your hands or scars on your hands, and I’d try to hide those. I think the girls could tell,” she says.
Check out the videos for Nicole’s extremely emotional revelation.