Monkey See, Monkey Do: Paris Hilton Wants a Baby

That "monkey" reference in the title of this article wasn't an accident, y'all. I'm talking about Paris Hilton here, so you see, the connection is pretty much obvious. Plus, it's the truth: some monkeys function on that principle, and I'm totally being metaphorical here. The whole thought process goes something like this (put in very simple, Paris terms): heiress sees on/off friend pregnant and about to have baby, heiress wants baby for herself. In short: Paris Hilton wants to have a baby. Run, everybody!

The hotel heiress is desperate to follow her pregnant best friend Nicole Richie into motherhood, so their children can "play together" and become lifelong companions too. "Nicole and I have been playing together since we were two years old. I was just telling her, 'I want a baby so that our babies can play together.' It would be lovely if they could grow up as close as we are'. Um, I only have two, tiny little problems with that. First of all, if the two would-be divas are "close" they have a very strange way of showing it. And secondly, I don't think anyone (Nicole Richie included) should allow their kid to play with anything (or anyone, for that matter) that came out of Paris' vagina.

The blonde socialite - who recently split from 20-year-old pizza delivery boy Alex Vaggo because he was "too shy" - added: "I don't have a boyfriend right now, but I would love to start a family". Paris also added that Nicole and her fiancé Joel Madden are both "really excited" about the birth of their first child, who is said to be due on New Year's Eve. "Nicole is really happy, and a little scared" she stated for people magazine. "They are both really excited and Joel is such a gentleman. They are great together and will make wonderful parents. We all can't wait".

Nicole better watch that baby closely around Paris. Better yet, she should probably keep him in a sterile room for a day or two after he's been in Paris' presence for longer than a minute or so - you never know what germs might be lurking. I can almost see mini-Nicole and mini-Paris starring in a futuristic reality show in 20 years' time. For some reason, that thought makes me itch all over.