This week at Women’s Conference 2009, during a talk on Grief, Healing and Resilience, Lisa Niemi, Patrick Swayze’s wife of 34 years, opened for the first time since the actor’s death on what losing him meant for her. Struggling to keep back the tears, Niemi said that grief was like “an animal” that attacked one on “a cellular level” and that she still hadn’t learned how to cope with Patrick’s death, as People magazine can confirm.

This was officially the first time that Niemi broke her silence on Swayze’s death. Addressing an audience of 14,000, the widow revealed that knowing beforehand of the “death sentence” (Swayze battled pancreatic cancer for approximately two years) did not make things better, in the sense that she was not even remotely prepared for the pain that came when he passed away. Nothing could prepare you for that, Niemi said.

“I thought during the 22 months of my husband’s illness that it gave me all this time to get used to the idea of losing him. And I found for myself, when I actually got to that point, I said, ‘N-n-n-n-n-No.’ It wasn’t the same at all. The actual loss – it’s like an animal all of its own... It made all the sadness and grief previous to that look like an intellectual concept. This sadness was on a cellular level.” Niemi said.

Luckily, she has good friends on which she can rely, friends who’ve told her she can ask for their help whenever she feels despair is taking over. Niemi has been very self-sufficient thus far, which is one of the main reasons why she initially had some issues with turning to others for help, but she eventually got over that when she realized there was no way she could cope with the loss on her own. As for regrets, she has more than plenty – but her biggest one is not telling Patrick “I love you” enough.

“When the grief takes you, it’s like your body is not your own. I’m just going with the flow. I know I have to go through it. I’ve spent two thirds of my life with him... My regret is that I didn’t tell him that I loved him enough over that entire 34 years. I am so grateful for what I had and my connection to him, and part of me believes that I will see him again, and I’m just going to have to go on until then.” Niemi further said.