‘I’m a Dead Man,’ Patrick Swayze Wrote in His Memoir

“I’m a dead man” was Patrick Swayze’s first thought when he was told for the first time that he had pancreatic cancer, as the actor himself revealed in his tell-all memoir “The Time of My Life,” out today, September 29. Still, he did not stop there to fall prey to desperation and self-pity: the book details his journey from rejection to acceptance and, eventually, determination to pull through, as People magazine can confirm.

Of course, Patrick Swayze knew he would die, especially since the diagnosis came too late for him to have an actual chance of survival, as he says so himself in his memoir. Still, he was determined not to give up without a fight, to force himself to fight the disease and last until doctors found a cure. At the same time, he would also focus on putting down on paper everything going on his life so that others in the same situation would one day benefit from his case.

“When my doctors at Cedars-Sinai in Los Angeles said the words ‘pancreatic cancer,’ a single thought popped into my head: I’m a dead man. Now, a lot of things go through your head when you get a death sentence handed to you, starting with: ‘Why me?’ It’s hard not to sink into bitterness… For me, that initial shock quickly turned into self-criticism and blame.” Swayze says in the book.

Soon enough, though, the star willed himself to want more from life than just succumb to the horrible news he’d been served. He decided he wanted to fight for his life, that he still had many things he wanted to accomplish and that, for once, he had to do them all because time was no longer on his side. Amazingly, Swayze continued to work even after chemo, refusing to take his painkillers for fear they might affect his performance. In doing so – and many other things – he became a model of courage and determination.

“I was not ready to go, and I’d be damned if this disease was going to take me before I was good and ready. So I said to my doctor, ‘Show me where the enemy is and I’ll fight him’.” Swayze says. “It was the most challenging, eye-opening battle I’ve ever had. Whenever someone asks me what my legacy is, I say the same thing. I’m not finished yet.”