Heidi Montag Poses in a Bikini, Fakes Orgasm

Heidi Montag is soooo funny. I mean really, this lady sure has one well-established New Year resolution and is holding onto it like crazy. She desperately wants the world to know that she looks good in a bikini, and is probably pissed off that she spent all that money on enhancing her boobs ( and not only, but thankfully her nose job and plumped-up lips are not too visible in these shots) and no one is taking notice. And before you believe there's some deja-vu involved here, no, this is a new "Heidi Montag is naked" post, and this is not the "sexy" photo spread Heidi did for Maxim. No, this is your plain, run of the mill, staged "Heidi goes to the beach" photo session. And if you take a look at these photos, you'll probably end up rolling on the floor laughing at just how fake this whole "here, snap my boobs" trip to the beach is.

I mean yes, I admit Heidi is hot - I mean, her body is hot and she'd probably be getting much better press if she just kept her mouth shut and took some more posing lessons. I mean, for heaven's sake, she acts as if the cameras are rolling all around her every second - not to mention the "look at how beautiful I am, I'm the queen of the universe" attitude that makes me wish I hadn't had such a heavy breakfast. Maybe acting in a "reality" show has messed with her perception of what's real and what's not, and believe me, when it comes to these shots, everything is as fake as can be. Just look at the expression on Heidi's face, the way her lips are half-parted (pretty much as in the Maxim shots - I think someone told her keeping your mouth half-open and looking like you're having an orgasm makes you look sexy), the eyes, the body language - it's all staged, and she has done a not-so-good job of it.

And don't even get me started on her poses! We have all the classic ones: the "running down the beach, Pamela Anderson-style", the "sitting on the rocks, boobs thrust forward" pose, along the classic "here, honey, rub some lotion onto my back", "fake orgasm" and "mermaid under the stars, one hand above the head" romantic poses. Yes, Heidi sure has been doing some research into the matter, but really, in the words of a TV drama series character, read less, more TV. I'm sure Heidi is merely perfecting her technique here, and not really making use of her full potential. But when that happens, we all better run for cover...