David Beckham's Penis Gives a Tractor a Run for Its Money

Welcome, everybody, to another famous episode of "Celebrity penis talk". OK, maybe I should have given some extra thought to my opening line, but I was so excited with the news I was going to bring you that I sort of decided to make a slight concession in the "style" department. Because, you see, today is a very special day for all of us. It's the day truth finally comes to light on a matter that I know must have really weighed heavy on your minds for a number of years. Didn't you always want to know the size of David Beckham's manhood?

I mean, it was one of those "unanswered questions" that was always going to puzzle mankind. It ranks high up there along with "is there life on Mars", "Does Yeti really exist" and "are there such things as ghosts". But fear no more - 'cause courtesy of David's wife Victoria, we now have access to everything we ever wanted to know about David Beckham's penis but were afraid to ask - and then some!

Victoria, it seems, wanted to really leave that other famous British penis talker, Jordan, in the dust. Apparently, these two lovely ladies are rivals of some sort, with Jordan always talking about how Victoria is famous for... well, basically nothing and how she's rich and famous for pouting and posing and not much else except that. And since Victoria needed something bigger and better to overcome Jordan's boobs and silly brain, she managed to find just the thing. After all, you know what they say: when in doubt and all hope fades, it always helps to bring in your husband's penis.

"I'm proud I still have a really good sex life with David. He is very much in proportion" Victoria states. "He does have a huge one, though. He does. You can see it in the advert. It is all his". Stop! In the name of all decency, woman, stop! Go no further! Please, have mercy on our common sense and just shut it right there. "It is like a tractor exhaust pipe!" Victoria added.

OK. First thing, I need to pick my stomach up from the floor. Secondly, I must make it very clear that the whole "tractor exhaust pipe" is just about the grossest, most uncalled for thing I ever heard, like, this year - and that includes Jordan comparing her hubby's manhood to a TV remote control. And finally, I really could have spent my whole life without feeling the need to learn THAT much information on Mr. Beckham. And here I am now, stuck with this image of a tractor and a robot bumping uglies. Now why did I have to think of that?