Bikini Clad Tara Makes Everything Alright

Tara Reid is loads of fun! One day, you see her with what has got to be the worst case of tummy tuck scars and the saggiest breasts that ever walked the face of the earth and then, next day, she's all tight and looking good. You can't actually tell me that you don't appreciate the whole irony here, especially since she personally admitted to only two interventions (one for her breasts and tummy - an augmentation and a tuck for a six pack, and the second one for a breast reduction) and moreover seeing that Tara Reid is mostly known for her body and her propensity for walking around in skimpy bikinis.

I'm not trying to downplay here Tara's vital contribution to the history of movies (if that's what you call her role in 'American Pie' - the only thing she's most famous for), but I'm just saying that the girl is pretty fond of showing skin when her body is not actually a sight any one of us would care to see. I mean, Tara is like the epitome of all plastic surgery gone bad, or like a walking surgical experiment if you will! So of course it's always good to see that she's keeping up to speed with the latest wonders in that field and permanently 'improving' her figure (if that's how she calls it, I don't know).

Leaving all bashing aside (feelin' a bit generous today), here is Tara on her Italy vacation. You can very well see for yourselves that she's been to the doctor's again, can't you? Her breast are no longer uneven like earlier last month, her abdomen does not resemble anymore a piece of meat that had just been run over by a 12-ton truck over and over again and her butt is almost back in shape. Almost, but not quite. Overall, we could be tempted to believe that maybe Tara finally realized that the guy with the butcher's knife in hand who kept cutting huge pieces of her body was not a plastic surgeon after all. Just great, if you ask me!

Now that we've duly established that Tara is on her way to being hot again (the girl has plenty of potential, don't you think?), let me just ask you this. If she has all that money to go and get surgery, like, twice a month (and where does she get that kind of money?, is she pooping thousand dollar bills?), why can't she afford to buy decent clothes? What is up with that headscarf and those plastic jewels? Is she going for the trashy gypsy look or is she just trying to play games with our minds, to fool us into believing that she actually has no money at all?

And, with that, I think I just solved the mystery: you see, in fact, Tara is a multi-billionaire who probably discovered one of those lost Spanish treasures they speak of in movies, but she doesn't want people to know it. That is why she keeps dressing in Salvation Army clothes and accessories from thrift shops. God, I'm like the Sherlock Holmes of celebrity world only that, instead of solving crimes, I spend all my days staring at fake boobies and has-been wannabe actresses with a bad case of flat a*s... (applause)