Oh, no! No! Please! Santa is under attack! I mean really! Some dirty-looking monkey has just made a surprise attack on the poor guy, and I'm really panicking here. What if she bites him? What if she infects him with some deadly virus and then he'll be crippled for life? I mean, he's already old and probably his immune system's in the tank - so why should he be subjected to the attacks of what looks like a prehistoric monster dressed in skins and animal furs. Oh, are you saying that's not a monster? No? Are you sure? Oh, then I can finally breathe easy. Oh, you're right! I was such a fool to get so easily scared. No, that's just Bai Ling and her idiotic Christmas outfit. Um - wait, is that supposed to be a relief?

It's funny how these would-be actresses are always looking for some sort of breakthrough moment, but really, what did poor Santa have to do with it? Maybe it was her idea of a joke - but really, if you jump out at anyone dressed like that, you have every chance of giving them a heart attack, and I totally mean that. Let's have a look. Furry, giant boots? Check. What's the purpose for that? Has it been snowing in Hollywood? I didn't know. How many poor squirrels and chinchillas and cute little animals did Bai have to skin alive to get that fur on her oversized boots? Where's PETA when you need it. Next come the leopard print tights, the yellow (and totally eye-watering) top with the metallic golden belt (genius match, by the way) and finally the cropped red top and the furry cap. I had no idea Yeti used to hunt leopards, too.

Lovely, lovely Christmas outfit. Absolutely genius. But back to my question: what has Santa got to do with that? Why is she attacking him? Oh, I get it - the big red outfit, the sack of presents, yes, I guess that caught the eye of the prehistoric beast. Did she eat the reindeer too? Oh, no, save Santa! So many kids waiting for their presents will be disappointed, and it will all be down to Bai and her crazy antics. You know what I also heard? That this crazy chick also has her own fashion line coming up. Um, at least her famously escaping nipples are all covered up. Good job, then. But what about poor Santa? Who will protect him, then?