It's official - I always suspected it (me along with most women and some of the males in this universe), but finally we have a qualified opinion about the whole deal, and it's just like we suspected all along. Posh Spice's plastic boobies have officially been tagged as the least successful boob job around. And the guy who says it is a top cosmetic surgeon, so better pay attention 'cause he knows what he's talking about.

Meet Patrick Mallucci, a plastic surgeon who has a job for which many man must envy him to death. Or at least for the part of it that doesn't involve using the scalpel. The fact is, this guy actually got to spend many hours poring over photos of topless models in men's magazines and tabloid newspapers in order to be able to formulate a coherent theory as to the what makes a pair of breasts perfect. And the overall conclusion is that the perfect breasts have their nipples pointing slightly skywards, and the upper half is just a bit smaller than the bottom half.

Mallucci will present the findings of this study at the first international conference on breast enlargement, that will take place in London this week. And yes, before you ask, there is such a thing as a conference on breast enlargement. Actually, I think they should dedicate a whole section to Posh, since she's managed to turn her bad boob job into such a form of art. Malucci's lecture will be called Concepts in Design for Breast Augmentation, and he expresses his hope that other surgeons providing breast enlargements will use his theories to make women's boobs look better - and definitely not like Victoria Beckham's.

The latest statistics show that in Britain, boob jobs are the country's most popular cosmetic surgery procedure: only last year there were a total of 6.156 such procedures performed.

"I studied a wide variety of photographs of the most popular topless models to work out the various proportions they had in common and what made those particular features attractive", Malucci admitted. "These findings allowed me to form a template around which to plan a breast augmentation, and set a standard of aesthetics. Obviously personal interpretation and expression has to be accounted for, but this has allowed me to develop a template that I have been using successfully for some time. It's about wanting to create something as close to perfection as possible", he added.

Well, I'm not sure about the rest of the ladies, but Victoria will definitely not like this. I expect her to either sue the guy who did her boob job or try a couple of others and make things right in that department. I can't imagine how humiliating it must be to know there are actually women out there who go "please, I don't want my boobies looking like hers". Ouch...